There is a man in my country called Kalonzo. A man so terribly stupid
(bear with me) his vice presidency is often quoted as evidence of
God's existence. Not surprisingly, Stephen Kalonzo wa Musyoka
is outspoken about his religious views. He's the go-tell-it-on-the-mountain
sort of fellow, who'll suffocate you with layer upon layer of testimony
from the near plausible to the incredulously frivolus. So outspoken is he
that political satirists have branded him the Prophet.
But its neither Kalonzo's politically convenient belief in the Divine,
nor his less than enviable sense of fashion, nor his Statesman-wannabe
stance and feeble attempts at memorable speech making that land him in
my debut blog. It's the man's insufferable stupidity. My people have a
saying "Akili ni nywele" (Wisdom is in one's hair) and Mr Kalonzo's
receding hair line seems to be in agreement.
Kalonzo was not born into fortune, far from it, he was born in poverty
and had to plod (often literally) against his own background. His
undeniable success financially and, consequently, socially is a testament
to the man's industry, brilliance (at some point) and God's blessing.
At some point in time, the young Kalonzo must have realized that politics
was the next wrung in the ladder to social advancement and he eagerly set on it.
God must've been on Brother Stephen's side- he won his very first
election beating some old timer to the Mwingi Something (North or
some other compass direction) seat. But that was the old
Kalonzo and the new one seems to be an amatuer at politics.
Take his 2007 election strategy for instance. After disagreeing with
The Prophet, several ODM-K bigwigs walked out of the party to form
ODM; a much bigger party and consequently higher chance of winning
the election. Overnight, Kalonzo was left with a shell of a political stage,
wobbly and laughably unreliable yet in his egocentric fashion still chose
to stay in it. The election was dubbed the Two Horse and a Mule race,
a testament to how trivial his candidacy was considered. Yet in his
grip Kalonzo held a unique card, a joker of sorts. Here he was with not
enough votes to win the election, but just enough to swing it in favour
of either of the two almost equally matched candidates. But not this
man. In classic dog-in-a-manger fashion, this guy chooses to fly solo. He
spent most of his campaign money portraying Kibaki as a lazy, corrupt,
inept, cowardly, polygamous perv (All true, since you ask, just that you
don't say such things about an African leader and run to him for bread
and butter- which he later did)
Fast forward a month or so: BOOM!! BANG!! Chaos everywhere; a
bungled election and everyone is left a loser.
Kenya's yet to recover fully from the effect of that poll- alot of which
would've been avoided if Stevo (as he branded himself in his campaign)
had taken a bow. Talk about bad decisions!
On Dec 26th, last year, Kenya was hit by torrential rainfall. In a matter
of hours, vast regions of the country were flooded, thousands of
families left homeless, bridges and infrastructure destroyed. Cholera had
been creeping up in various parts of the country for weeks and the floods
would only make it worse. Yet the government's approach was at best
embarrassingly clumsy, lethargic and disorganized. In the wake of a
looming humanitarian crisis, Hon. Kalonzo Musyoka, Minister for Home
Affairs, Vice President of the republic of Kenya was quoted urging
"humanitarian agencies to act up". Who, I beg, does that? Act up? Is
that the official government response? "Hey, Red Cross, act up! Kenyans
are dying you know" Do we pay taxes to the Red Cross? Such out-of-touch
statements are not only irksome but also portray the picture of a man
who doesn't think too much about what he says. They're likely to leave
the electorate wanting to show you what's what- which doesn't bode well
for a man who wants to occupy the House on The Hill at some point in his
career. At least not if he wants to get there democratically.
But perhaps my greatest prob with the vice president is his recent,
much published proposed KKK political axis. KKK (fyi) is a proposed political
marriage of the Kikuyu, Kamba and Kalenjin voting blocks- effectively
ensuring a rather formidable political machinery and a fair-to-assured
chance of success. Superficially, it doesn't seem that bad-> just
another shitty political scheme. The timing though,is devlish and
Kalonzo's bedmates are the devils themselves.
Leading the Kalenjin group is Agriculture Minister William S. Ruto,
condemned by public opinion of masterminding and perhaps bankrolling
marauding gangs of spear brandishing warriors, they're not a dance
troupe mark my word- they do kill people. Uhuru M. Kenyatta Finance
Minister and Deputy Premier completes the threesome himself no
better than Ruto. When these two are not wearing Armani's they're
probably writing cheques to their respective tribal outfits. Bad men these.
So why would a honest (as far as politicians go), God fearing man like
Brother Stephen be dying to jump into bed with these hellbound turncoats?
Several reasons. Their combined political clout is enough to win an
election and I'll bet my wedding finger they've already devised a
scheme on how to share the spoils.
Secondly, for Uhuru and Ruto it means they're quit safe from
prosecution for their crimes against humanity committed by their armies
in the aftermath of the 2007 elections (read above). The
combined influence of these men, more so in parliament, makes them
practically untouchable- even to the Hague.
Perhaps most important to all three (ironically most childish and
trivial) such a merger would be the perfect opportunity to get back
at the PM, and they all have reasons to. Kalonzo is still smarting from
the resounding defeat meted on him by Raila and his cohorts in the
Battle of The Pecking Orders. Ruto is twice jilted- once when he was
given the relatively low key position of Minister as opposed to that
of Deputy PM which he was angling for. And Uhuru, I suppose, still
bears a grudge against Raila over 2002. He practically snatched victory
from the youngster's mouth in that election, handing it to Kibaki in the
famous NAC-Rainbow merger.
Yet all these are trivial reasons for a man of such standing and who
claims to be principled to sleep with the enemy. Ruto and Uhuru are
fading lights, sooner or later the Kenyan public will be full of their
old (and often dangerous) tricks and if Kalonzo keeps holding hands
with these two they'll surely go down with him. Why does he swerve so
dangerously from the straight (mostly) and narrow, to riding with bad
boy's like Ruto.
Hon Kalonzo's career, though at his peak of authority has bled a lot
of influence, he's the third most powerful man in Kenya yet a clown of
sorts, no one really takes him seriously any more- people would faster
respect John Michuki (Minister for the Environment and
Natural Resources, has an impeccable track record) than Kalonzo.
The running joke is Kalonzo needs no security detail, if he were running
through River Road at midday no one would even stop him. But his
enviable twenty year political career, can be salvaged, if only the
man watches with whom he keeps company, audits his statements,
sticks to one side and of course with the Good Lord's Blessing.
