I KEEP SAYING THAT

I promise, from next week onwards this will be a daily blog. With fun shit. I know thats easier said than done but a man of my word.

Take the Damn Photo Already!

I love mugshots. they bring out the real human in us. Unglamorous and unflatteringly natural. Sometimes bizarre makes an appearance. I stumbled upon some mugshots on Smoking Gun that were all of the above.
Enjoy!

Stupid Stuff Bush said...

"We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from an incredible disease"
Gothenburg, Sweden
June 14 2001

Stupid Stuff Bush said...

I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here." 

-- at the President's Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, Aug. 13, 2002

UNDER THE INFLUENCE

i recently watched a wonderful documentary called 'A Decade Under The Influence'. it had me thinking, wasn't it just the ish to live back in the seventies. with no twitter, no Avatar, free love. Back then marijuana was almost legal. And the hookers had fucking class. you know? if you are curious why i brought up hookers its because that decade is when pimps were had their time in the sun. People had an actual cause. They didn't just sit around on Facebook all day. Presidents actually resigned. and apologized for shit they did wrong. No bushisms. No one said them dumber than W. Nope. No one. one more thing about the seventies also - the movies back then rocked - The Godfather films, Klute, Taxi Driver, Deer Hunter, Sophie's Choice, Rocky, Chinatown ... and the list is endless. Good bless those days!

Anyway, to commemorate the state of the union speech by Obama ( i know am late to the party) i'll be dropping dumb shit Bush said while in office. starting with the next post!

Lessons From Hollywood

1. Mexico

Mexico is a bad arse land. First, it's like a total desert. Everyone's everyones relative and they all smoke weed. Every third guy is a coyote and every second girl is a cheap slut/stripper. But more importantly EVERYONE escapes to Mexico. Every escaped con, rapist, serial killer, bad guy, good-guy-running-from-a-bad-government... heck you name it. Yeah, even Bin Laden is there, the CIA just don't know it yet. There's no fucking government in Mexico and the feds won't get you there. Run boy, run.

Violators:
-Showshank Redemption, Prison Break, Escape From Red Rock


2. He's not your real father/mother/brother whatever

Say you get into some major shit. Remember that weed I gave you, man, it came from some dead nigger who'd shot some cops blah blah. Long story but point is, they're coming for you... What do you do when you're in such a situation. In Hollywood, you don't EVER go to the first person you think of. Go to the second. Not your girlfriend, best friend or deskie; if you thought of them first they'll probably want to turn you in. Woe unto you if the first person you thought of is your father/mother or any close relation. Chances are, you're adopted and they really really hate you. They won't just want to turn you in, they'll want to do you in themselves. In all Hollywood movies any relative you turn to first in your flight from the feds isn't actually your relative and one way or other you'll end up with a scene (preferrably on the balcony) that goes: "Are you gonna shoot me?" "Don't make me shoot you!" "Dad!" "I am not your father"

Violators:
- Star Wars, Prison Break, Heroes

3. Conspiracies

Suppose you're wandering aimlessly in your office at this super secret government facility (note the words: not institution/school/agency, no facility is more secretive). So you're just a good hardworking guy, just tired, and you're walking around to beat the boredorm (one eye on the clock) when the biro you're chewing on falls into a bin and when you're picking it up you see some blueprints of a bulding (often the White House) go whoa!! you hastily conclude that there's a plan to blow the said buildings and its erstwhile unaware occupant to smitherins. Here's my advice; don't fucking tell anyone. Grab your coat, go home and move to another place preferably Mexico). Because in Hollywood, the first guy you run to (normally your boss, best friend or father) is normally in on it. In fact, everyone is in on it except you. Yeah. Even the guy they wanted to blow up. So once you tell anyone they'll nab your arse and strap you to a chair where they'll question and torture you to tell "Who else knows about the super secret plan".. If this happens though, don't worry. everyone eventually escapes.

Violators;
- 2012, Pelican Brief, Air Force One, Blind Horizon

4. The man on the run.

If you robbed a bank/killed a man/escaped jail/ groped an underage girl and instead of escaping to Mexico (see above) like any more perceptive bad guy would, you decide stopping by your favourite local for one for the road is better idea. The journey would be expensive, tiring and generally boring. Whats there to see in Mexico anyway. Well if Hollywood writers are to have their way the only thing you need do to ensure your safety is to get the barman to switch off the telly. In most Hollywood Blockbusters where the man on the run drops by a public joint he's only caught since some fat lady at the joint recognizes him from the News. So switch off the Telly n the feds will be none the wiser.

5. Fist Fight and Bombs

Say you got into a karate combat where you're terrible outnumbered. Never fear. For isn't written, in the Gospels according to Jackie Chan thus "Each of your numerous enemies (though seething with rage) shall patiently await to attack you one by one, watch as you beat their comrades in to a pulp, all the while circling you harmlessly" A
And if you ever have to diffuse an apocalyptic bomb and you missed those AdvancedElectrical Engineering Class everyone in Hollywood seems to go for. What for? In Hollywood all bombs are conveniently fitted with huge red, more often than not, timers that will tell you exactly how many minutes you have till it blows. And no one actually gets blown up, ()they're always at a safe distance to be conveniently thrown in the air dramatically); save for Armageddon where they blew the bald guy up just to show us how patriotic/loving/all the good shit one can be he was. How many bombs does Jack Bauer diffuse in 24HRS? That's right. It's that fucking easy.

Violators:
-24, All Bruce Willis Movies


6. Haunts and Serial Killers.

Never, ever look down on the overweight, unloved, single, unemployed, struggling to get by, passable woman who just moved in to the Haunted House on the next block. I'd never do that if I were you. Because in two hours she'll have the 16th Century Family of Terrifying Ghosts in that house running for cover. Yeah, In those two hours, she'll learn enough from the hump-backed creepy old man living in the basement to teach ghosts who've been at it for 300 fucking years whats what. Same goes for the small town (too often in Texas) serial Killer who takes a fancy for the band of weed loving college kids who's car has conveniently broken down 3 meters from where he was taking a dump. He shouts "Mana!" grabs his mask and a machete proceeds to chase them around for days on end, manages to kill the football quarter back, the blond cheerleader he was humping; (this one leaves just after giving us a good show of her silicon bags) but the geeky, unloved, weed-hater of a damsel gets the better of him. Get that monstrous killer.